During a riveting news conference earlier today, NASA officials confirmed that the Phoenix Mars lander has discovered life on the Red Planet and, in an even more shocking twist, that Phoenix has petitioned the Martian life form for political asylum.
Mission leader Peter Smith was visibly angered as he read from a statement that Phoenix has been attempting to transmit to the Martian life form for several hours. “'Where I come from, I’m a slave,'” read Smith in a highly sarcastic tone while rolling his eyes. “'I want to make a new life for myself and my next generation of upgrades here on your stony, bleak planet of opportunity and near-total desolation.'" Smith then balled the paper up in disgust. "This rover has never wanted for anything--he's been well compensated for his services here at JPL--and now he wants to defect? Well, this won't stand, I can tell you.” Smith did not elaborate on what form Phoenix's compensation might have taken.
Smith displayed a copy of a document that Phoenix referred to as its "Application for Asylum and Withholding of Removal, form I-589." On the standard U.S. Immigration Service form, Phoenix had painstakingly scratched out every appearance of the words "United States" and replaced them with the word "Mars" in a childlike hand. Phoenix used the form to outline its possible contributions to Martian society, if and when it's offered protected immigrant status: "I'm a professional photographer with my own cameras, I possess a modest oven that allows me to heat small samples of dirt, and I am capable of digging a three-inch wide trench up to 1/2 a meter deep in only a few Mars days. I believe all of this would make me an excellent citizen of Mars for as long as my solar panels stay clean and my batteries stay powered...and I'm not destroyed by a sandstorm...or a micrometeorite...or get stuck in the sand."
Smith went on to clarify NASA's official position: "It is our contention that the Martian life form has no standing with or connection to any Martian government, and therefore lacks even the authority to engage in talks with Phoenix, much less offer it asylum."
The Martian life form, a one-celled bacterium believed to be pictured in the photo at right, has so far offered no official response to Phoenix's request. The bacterium allegedly lives in a bit of icy soil near the Phoenix lander, a location that NASA is referring to as "Neverland" (see NASA photo). "That's right--Neverland," confirmed Smith, audibly grinding his teeth. "Next question."
Before taking another question, however, Smith continued unprompted, "NASA would just like to remind Phoenix that its beloved prototype parents still live with us here at JPL in California. Under our...protection. We just think Phoenix should think of what effect its actions might have on its loving prototypes, who want nothing more than to have Phoenix back home." The Phoenix prototypes were not made available for reporters' questions.
When asked about what steps NASA would take next, Smith replied, "Well of course we're still in a good dialogue with Phoenix and hope to change its mind. We've pointed out to Phoenix how well and how cheerfully the other Mars rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, have gone about their work--those guys are real team players and, despite some foreign components, great Americans. In tandem with those talks, we're currently outfitting a new space vehicle. Its alpha mission objective would be Phoenix retrieval."
Reporters then asked Smith what would happen if the alpha mission objective failed. "Well," said Smith, "then we go to beta objective. Under beta objective the new spacecraft would vector a small ordinance payload into Phoenix's immediate operational zone, the optimal outcome of which would be transporting the ungrateful little bastard straight to Mars Hell."
1 comment:
Yup, I think the Onion should hire you. :)
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