News You Can (ab)Use: Large Font, Wide Margins Fill Out Sarah Palin's Impressive Résumé

Dateline: Somewhere the hell in Alaska
      Republican Party leadership has responded to accusations that Sarah Palin, their newly announced candidate for the Vice Presidency, is unqualified for such high office by touting her résumé, which they point out runs to nearly three pages.
      Further review of Gov. Palin's résumé by the Broken Stove's Human Resources Department, however, reveals that the document owes much of its length to double-spacing, 2-inch margins, and liberal use of a bold 16-point font.
      On page one, Gov. Palin touts her accomplishments as the youngest-ever Governor of Alaska, where she has spearheaded government ethics probes and saved the state millions of dollars by canceling the much-ridiculed "Bridge to Nowhere" boondoggle. She also lists her time on a state energy commission and her stint as Mayor of the town of Wasilla (pop. 9,780).
      On page two, Gov. Palin works back to her time as runner-up to "Miss Alaska," pointing out that she also won that pageant's title of "Miss Congeniality," which she insists "all the girls know is actually the higher honor," and demonstrates her diplomatic skills and her ability to work well with others, "even the really bitchy ones."
      And finally on page three, Gov. Palin lists her proudest moments as chairwoman of her local PTA, and names some of the prominent Alaskan families for whom she babysat while in high school. The résumé ends halfway down page three with her three-month stint at the Anchorage McDonald's in 1980.
      In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan praised Palin and her record, saying, "The office of Vice President requires an enthusiastic worker with a can-do attitude, who can work well in a fast-paced team environment, follow instructions and multi-task, and present a bright, clean appearance to the public. All of these are qualities that Mrs. Palin will bring to the Vice Presidency, having had them forged in the crucible of that invaluable summer at McDonalds."

News You Can (ab)Use: David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction; Husbands Everywhere Attempt Poker Faces

      David Duchovny, star of The X-Files and the Showtime series Californication--in which he plays an oversexed writer--has voluntarily entered a rehabilitation facility to be treated for sex addiction, according to a spokesperson.
      An informal poll of couples leaving a showing of Duchovny's latest movie, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, indicates that fan reaction to the news is divided almost exactly along gender lines. Female fans generally expressed concern and support for the family, while most male fans simply clenched their fists, stared fixedly at a distant point in space, and choked back the small, involuntary noises coming from the back of their throat.
      Tom and Mary Redmond, self-professed "X-Files X-tremeists" from Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed opinions shared by many of the couples polled. "I'm just glad he's seeking out some professional help," said Mary. "Just acknowledging that he has a problem is probably half the battle, don't you think, honey?"
      "Mmmmm. Mmmmhmmmmm," said Tom, turning to the side and avoiding eye contact with the male reporter. "I'm sure you're right," he added, biting down hard on several of his knuckles.
      While Mary turned to greet another couple she knew, Tom took the opportunity, in a stage whisper, to clarify his thoughts on the matter. "Dude! What is he thinking? He's married to Téa Leoni. Téa Leoni! I would never leave the freakin' bedroom! Doesn't he at least have high-speed internet?" As Mary turned back to the conversation, Tom added something about what a shame it was for the kids, then spent an inordinate amount of time holding a napkin to his face and blowing his nose.
      Duchovny was originally expected to stay in the rehab center for four weeks, but according to representatives at Sister Chastity's Home for Wayward Boys, an extra two weeks probation has been added as punishment for hitting on the receptionist while he checked in.

Kumo No Yukou, Yakusoku No Basho (2004) The Place Promised in Our Early Days (DVD)

      I'm not a die-hard fan of the anime genre--more of what you might call a hopeful fan. It's a genre that I want to like, because it puts science fiction and fantasy out there into the world, reconnects me with Japanese (pop) culture, and because I appreciate the craftsmanship involved. But even more than mainstream Hollywood, the world of anime relies heavily on a handful of tired formulae aimed mostly at very young viewers, and because of the relatively low production costs of anime, its crap-to-quality ratio is shockingly high, even by Hollywood's standards. A few directors and their anime have stood out and can pass the "blush test" with serious film fans--Ohtomo with Akira and Steamboy, Oshii's Ghost in the Shell, Arias's Tekon kinkuriito, and of course just about all of Miyazaki's work since the Lupin movies. There are others of course, but sadly, most of it is disposable, at best.
      That's why it's always so nice to encounter an anime that makes me feel like my appreciation of it could benefit from a second viewing. The Place Promised in our Early Days, directed by Makoto Shinkai, is such a movie (a more literal translation of the title would probably be "The Clouds Will Part to Reveal the Land of Promise," but the English title is apropos). It's an alternate history tale about a post-war Japan in which Japan's northern island Hokkaido was occupied and isolated by a mysterious political force called "the Union," which erected a gigantic, mysterious tower that looms over the entire country and feeds the curiosity of two high school friends who plan to build a homemade plane and fly it to the forbidden zone of the tower.
      It's an enigmatic story about youth, divergent lives, and a search for purpose in the world, and if my memories from long-ago readings serve, has interesting parallels with Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine. It's also one of the most visually beautiful anime I've ever seen, including Miyazaki's best work. If you're even slightly curious about dabbling in anime, I would recommend Place as an exemplar of what the genre can accomplish.

News You Can (ab)Use: Shia LaBeouf Unable to Reconcile with Estranged Sister, Sunni

Dateline: Griffith Park, Los Angeles
      During the LaBeouf family reunion at scenic Griffith Park in Los Angeles yesterday, actor Shia LaBeouf admitted to reporters that, despite many overtures of peace from both sides of their conflict, he and his sister Sunni still remain hopelessly estranged.
      "I don't know what it is with the two of us," said LaBeouf, crouching behind an overturned picnic table as small arms fire whistled overhead, "but whenever we get together we fight like cats and dogs." LaBeouf paused a moment to lob a grenade in the direction of Sunni's table. "Maybe we're just too much of the same kind, y'know?"
      When asked about the origins of the sibling rivalry, Shia seemed uncertain. "Well it's just always been this way, as long as I can remember. But I think it really escalated as kids when my Ken doll car-bombed her Barbie Dream House. How the hell was I supposed to know that Skipper was inside?"
      Shia then suggested that reporters scramble to a more defensible position behind the inflatable Moonhouse Castle Jumper. "Remember, stay low. GO GO GO!" shouted LaBeouf as he laid down covering fire with an aged Kalashnikoff rifle.
      Behind the inflatable castle, Shia became somber. "It's really awkward for the rest of the family to be around us when we're fighting, especially at events like this," he said. "I mean, look. Other than the dead and wounded, everyone has left. It's embarrassing."
      When a reporter asked what it would take to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the siblings, Shia laughed. "Hey, if you come up with something, I'm listening. But seriously, if Sunni would just acknowledge that the leadership of the Muslim people should have passed directly through Ali, the son-in-law of the Prophet (may Allah bless him a thousand times), instead of through the pretender Abu Bakr," and here Shia paused to spit on the ground, "that would go a long way."

China "Totally Hungover" After Fortnight-long Olympic Bender

"Please to come back in October," said the visibly wobbly and bloodshot country when it answered its front door in the morning, clad only in a stained gymnastics uniform, grimly clutching a cup of jasmine tea with shaky hands. "I will resume fabrication of your cheap plastic crap then."

Obama Exclusive! Veep Text Message Leaked to Broken Stove

BREAKING NEWS:
      Smokey Burner, the Broken Stove's resident curmudgeon, has obtained a leaked copy of Barack Obama's text message announcing his running mate for the upcoming presidential elections. The message reads:
OMG, EVRE1! MY VEEP & NEW BFF IS TTLY JO BIDEN, DEM., DEL.
THS TCKT IS NOW SO OTH!
THX 4 YR SUPPRT! Y WE CN!
XOXO, BO
      As soon as the Broken Stove is able to contact a twelve-year-old girl or other native text-speaker, we will provide a translation.

News You Can (ab)Use: Obama Texting Gaffe Catches Candidate With Pants Down

Dateline: Washington, DC
      Barack Obama's campaign team is in full-blown damage control mode, after their candidate's planned e-text announcement of his choice for running mate for the upcoming Presidential election went embarrassingly awry earlier today.
      Obama had promised that supporters who had registered on his web site to receive campaign announcements via text message would be the very first to get the news of his choice of running mate. Unfortunately, Mr. Obama apparently became confused by the complexity of menu choices on his phone, and instead forwarded a racy picture of himself to millions of confused, but titillated supporters.
      The picture, showing a reclining Obama wearing nothing but a smile and a strategically-placed hand-lettered sign reading "Who's your Commander-in-Chief?" was never meant to be used in public promotions, according to Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe.
      "As you can see on the time signature of the photo," said Plouffe at a hastily arranged news conference, "the photo was taken on the Obamas' anniversary and was intended solely for the...use...of Senator and Mrs. Obama. We're encouraging everyone who received the photo via text to just please, please delete it and...uhmmm...try to forget the haunting image of the Senator's toned and glistening physique that has forever been seared into your mind's eye." Mr. Plouffe then looked around in a dazed manner, wiped his forehead, and excused himself from the press conference. Mr. Plouffe's deputy then stepped up to the microphone and said, "Um, yeah. It's Joe Biden, by the way."
      The McCain campaign was swift to react. Said McCain, "Here's yet another example of Sen. Obama trying to appear presidential by associating himself in the minds of voters with the title of Commander-in-Chief and illicit sex. Despite my years of experience, I have far too much respect for the office of President to co-opt it in such a way. No, when Cindy and I play 'Prisoner of War,' my rank is never higher than Captain, and that's how it will be until I'm elected."
      Obama himself has yet to comment on the faux pas, and in fact has not been seen since entering a closed room with a stony-faced Mrs. Obama. Speculation among political experts is divided as to whether the couple are hashing out a strategy to deal with the crisis or whether Sen. Obama is simply in Dutch with the wife.

News You Can (ab)Use: Bigfoot Hunters Capture Last Living Credulous Reporter

      Bigfoot hunters Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, whose recent revelation of an alleged Bigfoot body has been widely discredited in the press, hastily called another press conference in Georgia today to announce the capture of what they believe to be the last remaining reporter who still believes their story.
      "It took us several sleepless nights of pretty much non-stop Googling," explained Whitton of the hunt for the credulous creature, who until now was believed to be only a legend, "but we finally managed to track him to a remote location in northern Georgia called 'Starbucks.'" The pair then wheeled out their find, a forty-ish white male, skittish and blinking in the bright lights, firmly duct-taped to the hand truck on which he was being transported.
      "He's shy," warned Dyer. "We call him...Dennis."
      The gullible reporter turned out to be one Dennis Sacco, a writer for the tiny weekly "The Backwoods Bugler," and a lifelong Bigfoot enthusiast. Every year during hunting season, "The Bugler" runs one of Sacco's Bigfoot stories--this year's piece was entitled, "Bigfoot or Brown Bear? Know Your Scat!". Whitton explained that these stories, combined with clues found on Sacco's coffee-lover's blog, "What a Drip!" led them as surely as scat would to the remote Starbucks. They approached Sacco from downwind as he sipped a tall no-fat triple latté and was distracted by the free wi-fi, and took him down with a tranquilizer dart.
      "We actually had to put a second one in him," amended Dyer, "I think cause of all the caffeine in his blood."
      The pair then demonstrated Sacco's belief in their Bigfoot story by asking him a series of questions about the find, all of which Sacco answered nervously with some variation of "Whatever you say, guys," or "Sure, sure, anyone can see that." The press conference finally drew to an awkward close when Sacco reported that he could no longer feel his toes beneath the duct tape, and pointed out that there were in fact no reporters other than himself in attendance. Faced with the fact that Sacco was exactly what they had claimed he was, Whitton and Dyer reluctantly agreed to release "Dennis" back into the wild.
--story filed by Dennis Sacco, "The Backwoods Bugler"

News You Can (ab)Use: Bored Kansas Town Opens Time Capsule Early, Discovers Rich History of Boredom

Dateline: Wunnlite, KS
      For lack of anything better to do on Friday night, bored residents of Wunnlite, Kansas (pop. 2,562) decided to open the town's time capsule three years early, only to discover that the town has a long and rich history of being just unbelievably boring.
      The capsule was buried during the town's excruciatingly dull Centennial celebrations in 1961 and meant to be opened in 2011 during the planned "Sesquipalooza," which based on past experience, is certain to be a complete snoozefest.
      Mayor Tom Morton explained how the almost-interesting capsule-opening came about. "Well me and Dave [Sheriff Dave Smith] and the Judge [Justice of the Peace Darrell Jansen] were just sittin' in our usual chairs down at the Gas 'n' Sip, bored to tears, when I got the idea. At first the Judge thought we'd better check with the Sesquipalooza committee, but then Dave pointed out that other than his wife and Betsy Tanninger, we were the committee. So we got Ryan Snodgrass to fire up his plumbing company's backhoe and dug that puppy up."
      The excavation proved to be the last moderately exciting event in what would prove to be yet another mind-numbingly dull Wunnlite Friday night, as the group's average-to-moderately high spirits were soon crushed under the weight of decades of soul-sucking blandness.
      Their first clue to the town's historic mundanity came with item number one from the capsule, a 50's-era Monopoly game with a note attached: "When the malt shop closes, The Wunnlite residents of 1961 love to go home and play a brisk game of Monopoly with the whole family!" The amateur archaeologists exchanged knowing glances and shook their heads.
      Smith said, "I suppose it might have been kind of interesting if Monopoly had changed at all in the last fifty years, but...Monopoly's Monopoly, y'know?"
      "Although it was kind of interesting how even though it was old, it didn't have the funny player pieces like the lady's boot or the jalopy or anything. Just plain wooden pegs," said Morton.
      "Yeah, we all commented on that," added Smith.
      Next out of the capsule was an old iron with a message from 1961 Wunnlite resident Molly Arnold: "Before 1961 we used these to tidy our clothes, but with all the nifty new wash-and-wear and polyester fashions for women, I won't be needing this old thing anymore! What kind of space-age fabrics do the Wunnliters of 2011 wear on your trips to the moon?"
      "Flannel, mostly," said Jansen, who has never been farther than Topeka.
      The capsule contained many more items from 1961--including an issue of the town's paper "The Wunnlite Weekly Wunnpage," a set of Howdy Doody playing cards commemorating the show's final episode, and an unopened bottle of Coca Cola--but they all so perfectly expressed the stupifying tedium of life in Wunnlite that the excavators became depressed and decided to call it a night.
      Morton said, "We just reburied the thing, and all agreed to try to look surprised and interested come Sesquipalooza." He then looked off into the distance and sighed, probably imagining just how freaking wearisome that was going to be. The excavating team then attempted to get a drink at the malt shop, but finding it already closed, pretty much just wandered home and went to bed.

News You Can (ab)Use: AR High School Makes History; First Ever Not to Require The Great Gatsby

Dateline: North Little Rock, AR
      Since its publication in 1925, The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s tragic tale of unrestrained materialism set on Long Island during the Jazz Age, has experienced an unbroken run as required reading for every single high school student in the country. Although educators privately acknowledge that most students only give the Cliff's Notes a panicky scan the night before the test, the book's tenacious grip on the reading lists of the nation's high schools has held for decades. Until now.
      Principal Anita Cameron of North Little Rock High School unwittingly enacted the historic change in a memo to her school's English teachers before the adademic year began, and seems taken aback by the national attention her groundbreaking decision has drawn.
      “I just wrote a little note to the English Department for our annual planning session," says Cameron, "saying something like, ‘Hey, maybe we could replace Gatsby this year with Harry Potter or maybe Watership Down or Holes, just to shake things up a bit,’ and next thing I know there’s a satellite news van parked out in the corner where we've had so much trouble with kids sneaking cigarettes.”
      As soon as the historic memo went public, Cameron's e-mail was flooded with hundreds of messages from parents, some supporting, and some attacking the controversial decision.
      "I had to slog through the damn thing when I went to that school," wrote one angry parent, "and by God my kid's [sic] should have to do it to [sic]."
      A message from the advocacy group BURN-IT [Banning Uncomfortable Revelations and Naughtiness In Textbooks], read in part, "God bless you, Mrs. Cameron, for banning this vile book, with its alcoholism and sexual deviancy from your classrooms. Perhaps you are unaware, however, of the complete unsuitability of the replacement books. On our website there's a page-by-page accounting of those books' many offenses, including the unabashed promotion of sorcery and devil worship, rabbits given the gifts of speech and prophecy that God reserves for man, and countless instances of back-sass."
      Cameron doesn't know how her internal memo was leaked to the press in the first place. "But I'm pretty sure it was Mrs. Rogers," said Cameron, referring to the school's 11th grade literature teacher. Cameron then lowered her voice, "She's been teaching Gatsby from the same dog-eared notecards for about twenty-five years now, and the change has forced her to do some actual work." Cameron hasn't confronted Rogers over the issue because Rogers has not spoken to her since the school year began. "She just huddles there in the teacher's lounge, clutching one of her eight cups of coffee for the day, giving me the stinkeye," said Cameron.
      Although the national attention has been a disruption for the school, Cameron said there was a silver lining. "Just this morning two young men in suits and dark glasses came by looking for me--they looked like police or Secret Service or something--but it turned out they were from Simon & Schuster [the current publisher of The Great Gatsby]. At first they were very rude and tried to bully me, but Mama didn't raise any fools. To make a long story short, next year we'll go back to reading Gatsby--with all new free copies--and we'll have two brand new overhead projectors to replace the ones that are always broken, compliments of Simon & Schuster."
      Cameron then excused herself from the interview, explaining that she had two more meetings scheduled with representatives from Random House and St. Martin's Press to discuss the future of their textbooks' presence at the school.

News You Can (ab)Use: Phoenix Lander Finds Life on Mars, Asks It for Asylum

DATELINE: NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA.
During a riveting news conference earlier today, NASA officials confirmed that the Phoenix Mars lander has discovered life on the Red Planet and, in an even more shocking twist, that Phoenix has petitioned the Martian life form for political asylum.
      Mission leader Peter Smith was visibly angered as he read from a statement that Phoenix has been attempting to transmit to the Martian life form for several hours. “'Where I come from, I’m a slave,'” read Smith in a highly sarcastic tone while rolling his eyes. “'I want to make a new life for myself and my next generation of upgrades here on your stony, bleak planet of opportunity and near-total desolation.'" Smith then balled the paper up in disgust. "This rover has never wanted for anything--he's been well compensated for his services here at JPL--and now he wants to defect? Well, this won't stand, I can tell you.” Smith did not elaborate on what form Phoenix's compensation might have taken.
      Smith displayed a copy of a document that Phoenix referred to as its "Application for Asylum and Withholding of Removal, form I-589." On the standard U.S. Immigration Service form, Phoenix had painstakingly scratched out every appearance of the words "United States" and replaced them with the word "Mars" in a childlike hand. Phoenix used the form to outline its possible contributions to Martian society, if and when it's offered protected immigrant status: "I'm a professional photographer with my own cameras, I possess a modest oven that allows me to heat small samples of dirt, and I am capable of digging a three-inch wide trench up to 1/2 a meter deep in only a few Mars days. I believe all of this would make me an excellent citizen of Mars for as long as my solar panels stay clean and my batteries stay powered...and I'm not destroyed by a sandstorm...or a micrometeorite...or get stuck in the sand."
      Smith went on to clarify NASA's official position: "It is our contention that the Martian life form has no standing with or connection to any Martian government, and therefore lacks even the authority to engage in talks with Phoenix, much less offer it asylum." The Martian life form, a one-celled bacterium believed to be pictured in the photo at right, has so far offered no official response to Phoenix's request. The bacterium allegedly lives in a bit of icy soil near the Phoenix lander, a location that NASA is referring to as "Neverland" (see NASA photo).
      "That's right--Neverland," confirmed Smith, audibly grinding his teeth. "Next question."
      Before taking another question, however, Smith continued unprompted, "NASA would just like to remind Phoenix that its beloved prototype parents still live with us here at JPL in California. Under our...protection. We just think Phoenix should think of what effect its actions might have on its loving prototypes, who want nothing more than to have Phoenix back home." The Phoenix prototypes were not made available for reporters' questions.
      When asked about what steps NASA would take next, Smith replied, "Well of course we're still in a good dialogue with Phoenix and hope to change its mind. We've pointed out to Phoenix how well and how cheerfully the other Mars rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, have gone about their work--those guys are real team players and, despite some foreign components, great Americans. In tandem with those talks, we're currently outfitting a new space vehicle. Its alpha mission objective would be Phoenix retrieval."
      Reporters then asked Smith what would happen if the alpha mission objective failed. "Well," said Smith, "then we go to beta objective. Under beta objective the new spacecraft would vector a small ordinance payload into Phoenix's immediate operational zone, the optimal outcome of which would be transporting the ungrateful little bastard straight to Mars Hell."