For lack of anything better to do on Friday night, bored residents of Wunnlite, Kansas (pop. 2,562) decided to open the town's time capsule three years early, only to discover that the town has a long and rich history of being just unbelievably boring.
The capsule was buried during the town's excruciatingly dull Centennial celebrations in 1961 and meant to be opened in 2011 during the planned "Sesquipalooza," which based on past experience, is certain to be a complete snoozefest.
Mayor Tom Morton explained how the almost-interesting capsule-opening came about. "Well me and Dave [Sheriff Dave Smith] and the Judge [Justice of the Peace Darrell Jansen] were just sittin' in our usual chairs down at the Gas 'n' Sip, bored to tears, when I got the idea. At first the Judge thought we'd better check with the Sesquipalooza committee, but then Dave pointed out that other than his wife and Betsy Tanninger, we were the committee. So we got Ryan Snodgrass to fire up his plumbing company's backhoe and dug that puppy up."
The excavation proved to be the last moderately exciting event in what would prove to be yet another mind-numbingly dull Wunnlite Friday night, as the group's average-to-moderately high spirits were soon crushed under the weight of decades of soul-sucking blandness.
Their first clue to the town's historic mundanity came with item number one from the capsule, a 50's-era Monopoly game with a note attached: "When the malt shop closes, The Wunnlite residents of 1961 love to go home and play a brisk game of Monopoly with the whole family!" The amateur archaeologists exchanged knowing glances and shook their heads.
Smith said, "I suppose it might have been kind of interesting if Monopoly had changed at all in the last fifty years, but...Monopoly's Monopoly, y'know?"
"Although it was kind of interesting how even though it was old, it didn't have the funny player pieces like the lady's boot or the jalopy or anything. Just plain wooden pegs," said Morton.
"Yeah, we all commented on that," added Smith.
Next out of the capsule was an old iron with a message from 1961 Wunnlite resident Molly Arnold: "Before 1961 we used these to tidy our clothes, but with all the nifty new wash-and-wear and polyester fashions for women, I won't be needing this old thing anymore! What kind of space-age fabrics do the Wunnliters of 2011 wear on your trips to the moon?"
"Flannel, mostly," said Jansen, who has never been farther than Topeka.
The capsule contained many more items from 1961--including an issue of the town's paper "The Wunnlite Weekly Wunnpage," a set of Howdy Doody playing cards commemorating the show's final episode, and an unopened bottle of Coca Cola--but they all so perfectly expressed the stupifying tedium of life in Wunnlite that the excavators became depressed and decided to call it a night.
Morton said, "We just reburied the thing, and all agreed to try to look surprised and interested come Sesquipalooza." He then looked off into the distance and sighed, probably imagining just how freaking wearisome that was going to be. The excavating team then attempted to get a drink at the malt shop, but finding it already closed, pretty much just wandered home and went to bed.
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