News You Can (ab)Use: Shia LaBeouf Unable to Reconcile with Estranged Sister, Sunni

Dateline: Griffith Park, Los Angeles
      During the LaBeouf family reunion at scenic Griffith Park in Los Angeles yesterday, actor Shia LaBeouf admitted to reporters that, despite many overtures of peace from both sides of their conflict, he and his sister Sunni still remain hopelessly estranged.
      "I don't know what it is with the two of us," said LaBeouf, crouching behind an overturned picnic table as small arms fire whistled overhead, "but whenever we get together we fight like cats and dogs." LaBeouf paused a moment to lob a grenade in the direction of Sunni's table. "Maybe we're just too much of the same kind, y'know?"
      When asked about the origins of the sibling rivalry, Shia seemed uncertain. "Well it's just always been this way, as long as I can remember. But I think it really escalated as kids when my Ken doll car-bombed her Barbie Dream House. How the hell was I supposed to know that Skipper was inside?"
      Shia then suggested that reporters scramble to a more defensible position behind the inflatable Moonhouse Castle Jumper. "Remember, stay low. GO GO GO!" shouted LaBeouf as he laid down covering fire with an aged Kalashnikoff rifle.
      Behind the inflatable castle, Shia became somber. "It's really awkward for the rest of the family to be around us when we're fighting, especially at events like this," he said. "I mean, look. Other than the dead and wounded, everyone has left. It's embarrassing."
      When a reporter asked what it would take to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the siblings, Shia laughed. "Hey, if you come up with something, I'm listening. But seriously, if Sunni would just acknowledge that the leadership of the Muslim people should have passed directly through Ali, the son-in-law of the Prophet (may Allah bless him a thousand times), instead of through the pretender Abu Bakr," and here Shia paused to spit on the ground, "that would go a long way."