The Dangers of Living Green, or The Attack of the Beast with Two Cheeks

      Whenever the weather's fine, my wife and I like to save a little electricity by hanging our clothes out on the deck and taking advantage of some of that free solar power that's so plentiful here in North Carolina. It might not end our national dependence on foreign oil, but it keeps the electric clothes dryer silent for several months a year. Plus, it makes the clothes smell good.
      I discovered yesterday, however, that green living is not without its dangers. I had just showered and pulled on a t-shirt and pair of shorts that had dried out on the line the day before. As I stood in the bathroom brushing my hair, I heard a buzzing, like a fly caught in a window. But loud. I couldn't quite place where the little guy was, but since I was standing right next to the window, I assumed he was trapped behind the blinds. But, man, did that bug sound pissed off. And loud. Too loud for a housefly. Maybe he was one of those big horseflies...but, you know...he really sounded more like a bee. And loud. And closer even than the window.
      The exact nature and location of the insect in question were finally made clear to me when the little bastard stung me twice in the ass. I quickly vacated the bathroom and my clothes, and retreated to the living room to assess the situation. When my brain finally cycled out of ass-preservation mode, I realized that a bee had gotten caught up in my clothes from the line and spent what must have been a long, dark night of the soul trapped in my shorts in my dresser drawer. Since he had already had a bad night, I shouldn't exactly have been surprised that he reacted less than charitably to finding himself swept up once again and trapped against my naked ass. His reaction, while regrettable, can hardly be second-guessed.
      I've been saying "he," but really I should say "she." When I girded up my loins and returned to my abandoned clothes, I discovered a Xylocopa, or carpenter bee, still dazed and obviously traumatized, clinging to the inside of my shorts. According to Wikipedia--the fount of all suspect knowledge--among carpenter bees, "males are harmless since they do not have a stinger. Female bees do have a stinger, but are not aggressive, and will not sting unless directly provoked." I must admit that shutting her in my drawer and then pressing her against my ass cannot be considered as anything other than provocative.
      Animal lovers will be glad to hear that I decided against retribution, and imprisoned Mrs. Carpenter only long enough to show her to my wife and tell my tale of woe. After the requisite laughter at my expense, Donna released her back into the garden, where Mrs. Carpenter was last seen lustily pollinating one of our sedum plants, and presumably sharing with her apian friends her own harrowing tale--of a dark night, sudden movement, and the attack of the beast with two cheeks.

News You Can (ab)Use: Large Font, Wide Margins Fill Out Sarah Palin's Impressive Résumé

Dateline: Somewhere the hell in Alaska
      Republican Party leadership has responded to accusations that Sarah Palin, their newly announced candidate for the Vice Presidency, is unqualified for such high office by touting her résumé, which they point out runs to nearly three pages.
      Further review of Gov. Palin's résumé by the Broken Stove's Human Resources Department, however, reveals that the document owes much of its length to double-spacing, 2-inch margins, and liberal use of a bold 16-point font.
      On page one, Gov. Palin touts her accomplishments as the youngest-ever Governor of Alaska, where she has spearheaded government ethics probes and saved the state millions of dollars by canceling the much-ridiculed "Bridge to Nowhere" boondoggle. She also lists her time on a state energy commission and her stint as Mayor of the town of Wasilla (pop. 9,780).
      On page two, Gov. Palin works back to her time as runner-up to "Miss Alaska," pointing out that she also won that pageant's title of "Miss Congeniality," which she insists "all the girls know is actually the higher honor," and demonstrates her diplomatic skills and her ability to work well with others, "even the really bitchy ones."
      And finally on page three, Gov. Palin lists her proudest moments as chairwoman of her local PTA, and names some of the prominent Alaskan families for whom she babysat while in high school. The résumé ends halfway down page three with her three-month stint at the Anchorage McDonald's in 1980.
      In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan praised Palin and her record, saying, "The office of Vice President requires an enthusiastic worker with a can-do attitude, who can work well in a fast-paced team environment, follow instructions and multi-task, and present a bright, clean appearance to the public. All of these are qualities that Mrs. Palin will bring to the Vice Presidency, having had them forged in the crucible of that invaluable summer at McDonalds."

News You Can (ab)Use: David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction; Husbands Everywhere Attempt Poker Faces

      David Duchovny, star of The X-Files and the Showtime series Californication--in which he plays an oversexed writer--has voluntarily entered a rehabilitation facility to be treated for sex addiction, according to a spokesperson.
      An informal poll of couples leaving a showing of Duchovny's latest movie, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, indicates that fan reaction to the news is divided almost exactly along gender lines. Female fans generally expressed concern and support for the family, while most male fans simply clenched their fists, stared fixedly at a distant point in space, and choked back the small, involuntary noises coming from the back of their throat.
      Tom and Mary Redmond, self-professed "X-Files X-tremeists" from Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed opinions shared by many of the couples polled. "I'm just glad he's seeking out some professional help," said Mary. "Just acknowledging that he has a problem is probably half the battle, don't you think, honey?"
      "Mmmmm. Mmmmhmmmmm," said Tom, turning to the side and avoiding eye contact with the male reporter. "I'm sure you're right," he added, biting down hard on several of his knuckles.
      While Mary turned to greet another couple she knew, Tom took the opportunity, in a stage whisper, to clarify his thoughts on the matter. "Dude! What is he thinking? He's married to Téa Leoni. Téa Leoni! I would never leave the freakin' bedroom! Doesn't he at least have high-speed internet?" As Mary turned back to the conversation, Tom added something about what a shame it was for the kids, then spent an inordinate amount of time holding a napkin to his face and blowing his nose.
      Duchovny was originally expected to stay in the rehab center for four weeks, but according to representatives at Sister Chastity's Home for Wayward Boys, an extra two weeks probation has been added as punishment for hitting on the receptionist while he checked in.

Kumo No Yukou, Yakusoku No Basho (2004) The Place Promised in Our Early Days (DVD)

      I'm not a die-hard fan of the anime genre--more of what you might call a hopeful fan. It's a genre that I want to like, because it puts science fiction and fantasy out there into the world, reconnects me with Japanese (pop) culture, and because I appreciate the craftsmanship involved. But even more than mainstream Hollywood, the world of anime relies heavily on a handful of tired formulae aimed mostly at very young viewers, and because of the relatively low production costs of anime, its crap-to-quality ratio is shockingly high, even by Hollywood's standards. A few directors and their anime have stood out and can pass the "blush test" with serious film fans--Ohtomo with Akira and Steamboy, Oshii's Ghost in the Shell, Arias's Tekon kinkuriito, and of course just about all of Miyazaki's work since the Lupin movies. There are others of course, but sadly, most of it is disposable, at best.
      That's why it's always so nice to encounter an anime that makes me feel like my appreciation of it could benefit from a second viewing. The Place Promised in our Early Days, directed by Makoto Shinkai, is such a movie (a more literal translation of the title would probably be "The Clouds Will Part to Reveal the Land of Promise," but the English title is apropos). It's an alternate history tale about a post-war Japan in which Japan's northern island Hokkaido was occupied and isolated by a mysterious political force called "the Union," which erected a gigantic, mysterious tower that looms over the entire country and feeds the curiosity of two high school friends who plan to build a homemade plane and fly it to the forbidden zone of the tower.
      It's an enigmatic story about youth, divergent lives, and a search for purpose in the world, and if my memories from long-ago readings serve, has interesting parallels with Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine. It's also one of the most visually beautiful anime I've ever seen, including Miyazaki's best work. If you're even slightly curious about dabbling in anime, I would recommend Place as an exemplar of what the genre can accomplish.

News You Can (ab)Use: Shia LaBeouf Unable to Reconcile with Estranged Sister, Sunni

Dateline: Griffith Park, Los Angeles
      During the LaBeouf family reunion at scenic Griffith Park in Los Angeles yesterday, actor Shia LaBeouf admitted to reporters that, despite many overtures of peace from both sides of their conflict, he and his sister Sunni still remain hopelessly estranged.
      "I don't know what it is with the two of us," said LaBeouf, crouching behind an overturned picnic table as small arms fire whistled overhead, "but whenever we get together we fight like cats and dogs." LaBeouf paused a moment to lob a grenade in the direction of Sunni's table. "Maybe we're just too much of the same kind, y'know?"
      When asked about the origins of the sibling rivalry, Shia seemed uncertain. "Well it's just always been this way, as long as I can remember. But I think it really escalated as kids when my Ken doll car-bombed her Barbie Dream House. How the hell was I supposed to know that Skipper was inside?"
      Shia then suggested that reporters scramble to a more defensible position behind the inflatable Moonhouse Castle Jumper. "Remember, stay low. GO GO GO!" shouted LaBeouf as he laid down covering fire with an aged Kalashnikoff rifle.
      Behind the inflatable castle, Shia became somber. "It's really awkward for the rest of the family to be around us when we're fighting, especially at events like this," he said. "I mean, look. Other than the dead and wounded, everyone has left. It's embarrassing."
      When a reporter asked what it would take to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the siblings, Shia laughed. "Hey, if you come up with something, I'm listening. But seriously, if Sunni would just acknowledge that the leadership of the Muslim people should have passed directly through Ali, the son-in-law of the Prophet (may Allah bless him a thousand times), instead of through the pretender Abu Bakr," and here Shia paused to spit on the ground, "that would go a long way."

China "Totally Hungover" After Fortnight-long Olympic Bender

"Please to come back in October," said the visibly wobbly and bloodshot country when it answered its front door in the morning, clad only in a stained gymnastics uniform, grimly clutching a cup of jasmine tea with shaky hands. "I will resume fabrication of your cheap plastic crap then."

Obama Exclusive! Veep Text Message Leaked to Broken Stove

BREAKING NEWS:
      Smokey Burner, the Broken Stove's resident curmudgeon, has obtained a leaked copy of Barack Obama's text message announcing his running mate for the upcoming presidential elections. The message reads:
OMG, EVRE1! MY VEEP & NEW BFF IS TTLY JO BIDEN, DEM., DEL.
THS TCKT IS NOW SO OTH!
THX 4 YR SUPPRT! Y WE CN!
XOXO, BO
      As soon as the Broken Stove is able to contact a twelve-year-old girl or other native text-speaker, we will provide a translation.