News You Can (ab)Use: David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction; Husbands Everywhere Attempt Poker Faces

      David Duchovny, star of The X-Files and the Showtime series Californication--in which he plays an oversexed writer--has voluntarily entered a rehabilitation facility to be treated for sex addiction, according to a spokesperson.
      An informal poll of couples leaving a showing of Duchovny's latest movie, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, indicates that fan reaction to the news is divided almost exactly along gender lines. Female fans generally expressed concern and support for the family, while most male fans simply clenched their fists, stared fixedly at a distant point in space, and choked back the small, involuntary noises coming from the back of their throat.
      Tom and Mary Redmond, self-professed "X-Files X-tremeists" from Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed opinions shared by many of the couples polled. "I'm just glad he's seeking out some professional help," said Mary. "Just acknowledging that he has a problem is probably half the battle, don't you think, honey?"
      "Mmmmm. Mmmmhmmmmm," said Tom, turning to the side and avoiding eye contact with the male reporter. "I'm sure you're right," he added, biting down hard on several of his knuckles.
      While Mary turned to greet another couple she knew, Tom took the opportunity, in a stage whisper, to clarify his thoughts on the matter. "Dude! What is he thinking? He's married to Téa Leoni. Téa Leoni! I would never leave the freakin' bedroom! Doesn't he at least have high-speed internet?" As Mary turned back to the conversation, Tom added something about what a shame it was for the kids, then spent an inordinate amount of time holding a napkin to his face and blowing his nose.
      Duchovny was originally expected to stay in the rehab center for four weeks, but according to representatives at Sister Chastity's Home for Wayward Boys, an extra two weeks probation has been added as punishment for hitting on the receptionist while he checked in.

Kumo No Yukou, Yakusoku No Basho (2004) The Place Promised in Our Early Days (DVD)

      I'm not a die-hard fan of the anime genre--more of what you might call a hopeful fan. It's a genre that I want to like, because it puts science fiction and fantasy out there into the world, reconnects me with Japanese (pop) culture, and because I appreciate the craftsmanship involved. But even more than mainstream Hollywood, the world of anime relies heavily on a handful of tired formulae aimed mostly at very young viewers, and because of the relatively low production costs of anime, its crap-to-quality ratio is shockingly high, even by Hollywood's standards. A few directors and their anime have stood out and can pass the "blush test" with serious film fans--Ohtomo with Akira and Steamboy, Oshii's Ghost in the Shell, Arias's Tekon kinkuriito, and of course just about all of Miyazaki's work since the Lupin movies. There are others of course, but sadly, most of it is disposable, at best.
      That's why it's always so nice to encounter an anime that makes me feel like my appreciation of it could benefit from a second viewing. The Place Promised in our Early Days, directed by Makoto Shinkai, is such a movie (a more literal translation of the title would probably be "The Clouds Will Part to Reveal the Land of Promise," but the English title is apropos). It's an alternate history tale about a post-war Japan in which Japan's northern island Hokkaido was occupied and isolated by a mysterious political force called "the Union," which erected a gigantic, mysterious tower that looms over the entire country and feeds the curiosity of two high school friends who plan to build a homemade plane and fly it to the forbidden zone of the tower.
      It's an enigmatic story about youth, divergent lives, and a search for purpose in the world, and if my memories from long-ago readings serve, has interesting parallels with Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine. It's also one of the most visually beautiful anime I've ever seen, including Miyazaki's best work. If you're even slightly curious about dabbling in anime, I would recommend Place as an exemplar of what the genre can accomplish.

News You Can (ab)Use: Shia LaBeouf Unable to Reconcile with Estranged Sister, Sunni

Dateline: Griffith Park, Los Angeles
      During the LaBeouf family reunion at scenic Griffith Park in Los Angeles yesterday, actor Shia LaBeouf admitted to reporters that, despite many overtures of peace from both sides of their conflict, he and his sister Sunni still remain hopelessly estranged.
      "I don't know what it is with the two of us," said LaBeouf, crouching behind an overturned picnic table as small arms fire whistled overhead, "but whenever we get together we fight like cats and dogs." LaBeouf paused a moment to lob a grenade in the direction of Sunni's table. "Maybe we're just too much of the same kind, y'know?"
      When asked about the origins of the sibling rivalry, Shia seemed uncertain. "Well it's just always been this way, as long as I can remember. But I think it really escalated as kids when my Ken doll car-bombed her Barbie Dream House. How the hell was I supposed to know that Skipper was inside?"
      Shia then suggested that reporters scramble to a more defensible position behind the inflatable Moonhouse Castle Jumper. "Remember, stay low. GO GO GO!" shouted LaBeouf as he laid down covering fire with an aged Kalashnikoff rifle.
      Behind the inflatable castle, Shia became somber. "It's really awkward for the rest of the family to be around us when we're fighting, especially at events like this," he said. "I mean, look. Other than the dead and wounded, everyone has left. It's embarrassing."
      When a reporter asked what it would take to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the siblings, Shia laughed. "Hey, if you come up with something, I'm listening. But seriously, if Sunni would just acknowledge that the leadership of the Muslim people should have passed directly through Ali, the son-in-law of the Prophet (may Allah bless him a thousand times), instead of through the pretender Abu Bakr," and here Shia paused to spit on the ground, "that would go a long way."

China "Totally Hungover" After Fortnight-long Olympic Bender

"Please to come back in October," said the visibly wobbly and bloodshot country when it answered its front door in the morning, clad only in a stained gymnastics uniform, grimly clutching a cup of jasmine tea with shaky hands. "I will resume fabrication of your cheap plastic crap then."

Obama Exclusive! Veep Text Message Leaked to Broken Stove

BREAKING NEWS:
      Smokey Burner, the Broken Stove's resident curmudgeon, has obtained a leaked copy of Barack Obama's text message announcing his running mate for the upcoming presidential elections. The message reads:
OMG, EVRE1! MY VEEP & NEW BFF IS TTLY JO BIDEN, DEM., DEL.
THS TCKT IS NOW SO OTH!
THX 4 YR SUPPRT! Y WE CN!
XOXO, BO
      As soon as the Broken Stove is able to contact a twelve-year-old girl or other native text-speaker, we will provide a translation.

News You Can (ab)Use: Obama Texting Gaffe Catches Candidate With Pants Down

Dateline: Washington, DC
      Barack Obama's campaign team is in full-blown damage control mode, after their candidate's planned e-text announcement of his choice for running mate for the upcoming Presidential election went embarrassingly awry earlier today.
      Obama had promised that supporters who had registered on his web site to receive campaign announcements via text message would be the very first to get the news of his choice of running mate. Unfortunately, Mr. Obama apparently became confused by the complexity of menu choices on his phone, and instead forwarded a racy picture of himself to millions of confused, but titillated supporters.
      The picture, showing a reclining Obama wearing nothing but a smile and a strategically-placed hand-lettered sign reading "Who's your Commander-in-Chief?" was never meant to be used in public promotions, according to Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe.
      "As you can see on the time signature of the photo," said Plouffe at a hastily arranged news conference, "the photo was taken on the Obamas' anniversary and was intended solely for the...use...of Senator and Mrs. Obama. We're encouraging everyone who received the photo via text to just please, please delete it and...uhmmm...try to forget the haunting image of the Senator's toned and glistening physique that has forever been seared into your mind's eye." Mr. Plouffe then looked around in a dazed manner, wiped his forehead, and excused himself from the press conference. Mr. Plouffe's deputy then stepped up to the microphone and said, "Um, yeah. It's Joe Biden, by the way."
      The McCain campaign was swift to react. Said McCain, "Here's yet another example of Sen. Obama trying to appear presidential by associating himself in the minds of voters with the title of Commander-in-Chief and illicit sex. Despite my years of experience, I have far too much respect for the office of President to co-opt it in such a way. No, when Cindy and I play 'Prisoner of War,' my rank is never higher than Captain, and that's how it will be until I'm elected."
      Obama himself has yet to comment on the faux pas, and in fact has not been seen since entering a closed room with a stony-faced Mrs. Obama. Speculation among political experts is divided as to whether the couple are hashing out a strategy to deal with the crisis or whether Sen. Obama is simply in Dutch with the wife.

News You Can (ab)Use: Bigfoot Hunters Capture Last Living Credulous Reporter

      Bigfoot hunters Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, whose recent revelation of an alleged Bigfoot body has been widely discredited in the press, hastily called another press conference in Georgia today to announce the capture of what they believe to be the last remaining reporter who still believes their story.
      "It took us several sleepless nights of pretty much non-stop Googling," explained Whitton of the hunt for the credulous creature, who until now was believed to be only a legend, "but we finally managed to track him to a remote location in northern Georgia called 'Starbucks.'" The pair then wheeled out their find, a forty-ish white male, skittish and blinking in the bright lights, firmly duct-taped to the hand truck on which he was being transported.
      "He's shy," warned Dyer. "We call him...Dennis."
      The gullible reporter turned out to be one Dennis Sacco, a writer for the tiny weekly "The Backwoods Bugler," and a lifelong Bigfoot enthusiast. Every year during hunting season, "The Bugler" runs one of Sacco's Bigfoot stories--this year's piece was entitled, "Bigfoot or Brown Bear? Know Your Scat!". Whitton explained that these stories, combined with clues found on Sacco's coffee-lover's blog, "What a Drip!" led them as surely as scat would to the remote Starbucks. They approached Sacco from downwind as he sipped a tall no-fat triple latté and was distracted by the free wi-fi, and took him down with a tranquilizer dart.
      "We actually had to put a second one in him," amended Dyer, "I think cause of all the caffeine in his blood."
      The pair then demonstrated Sacco's belief in their Bigfoot story by asking him a series of questions about the find, all of which Sacco answered nervously with some variation of "Whatever you say, guys," or "Sure, sure, anyone can see that." The press conference finally drew to an awkward close when Sacco reported that he could no longer feel his toes beneath the duct tape, and pointed out that there were in fact no reporters other than himself in attendance. Faced with the fact that Sacco was exactly what they had claimed he was, Whitton and Dyer reluctantly agreed to release "Dennis" back into the wild.
--story filed by Dennis Sacco, "The Backwoods Bugler"