Here We Go Steelers--Pittsburgh's Goin' to the Super Bowl

      Please enjoy this slightly dated, cheesy, but much beloved Steelers Super Bowl song. Here we go Steelers!
Pittsburgh's goin' to the Super Bowl!

Less Than Good King Wenceslas

      Almost everyone has heard the popular Christmas carol "Good King Wenceslas," which tells the heartwarming tale of the kindly Czech king who took alms to a poor peasant at yuletide and miraculously saved his trusty page from dying of exposure during their mission of mercy (it could be pointed out that the page would have been snugly sleeping in his warm bed if the king had not dragged him out into the snow in the first place, but that's as may be). The lyrics were set down by Englishman John Mason Neale in the 19th century, and are supposedly taken from an old Czech poem celebrating the deeds of the generous monarch.
      Few are aware, however, that Neale took many liberties with his source material in order to burnish the reputation of the less-than-saintly Wenceslas. The truth only recently came to light when an early, authoritative manuscript of the Czech poem was found behind one of the toilet tanks in the men's room of the Municipal Library of Prague. The newly-discovered document reveals that it was not the king's page who was in attendance with the king but his minstrel. The Broken Stove's resident experts in 14th Century Czech Lavatory Music are proud to present the first English translation of this important cultural discovery, complete with the original stage directions (see footnotes).

The first verse is exactly as Neale's familiar translation records it:

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen,
When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even;
Brightly shone the moon that night, tho' the frost was cruel,
When a poor man came in sight, gath'ring winter fuel.

It's not until the second verse that Neale diverges from the original Czech, and his bowdlerizing becomes apparent. Having seen the peasant, the king calls on his minstrel:

Bring me wine and bring me flesh, bring me faggots hither,
Write a song of my largesse, play it on the zither,¹
Make me sound magnanimous, handsome and endow-éd,
If it does not gladden Us, you'll be dis-em-bowel-éd.²

Make my song have harmonies, pleasing to the senses,
Or I'll hoist your progeny, high on pointy fences³
All your children will be killed, while you watch in horror,
But their entrails won't be spilled,⁴ 'til I've had your daugh-augh-ter.⁵

Take⁶ these faggots and this wood, take them with my blessing,
These kittens are mickle good, try them with the dressing,
Someone fetch the minstrel's lass, while he is composing,
Drink my toast and raise your glass, "May the Queen keep doh-oh-zing."

¹(meat, wine & faggots are brought--the latter are gaily dressed, carrying wood; dancing, merriment)
²(dancing, merriment stop; long, uncomfortable pause; king finally laughs heartily; dancing, merriment resume--less gaily now)
³(dancing, merriment stop)
⁴(fermata on "spilled"; minstrel fawns pathetically)
⁵(minstrel flees back to castle, trying to remember where zither is kept)
⁶(king puts arm around peasant, who had made as if to wander off)

Some Random Stuff I Like About Christmas

• The Glowing Potential of Packages Under the Tree—Sure, I like ripping into my Christmas presents as much as the next maturity-challenged 40-something, but even more than the gifts themselves, I like seeing the packages under the tree, reflecting the warm glow of the multicolored lights, smugly taunting me with their promise of riches to come. When my brothers and I were kids, my parents had a strict do-not-wake-us-before-7AM Christmas morning policy, and no one was allowed to open anything until they came down from on high. Since the anticipatory adrenaline coursing through our greedy little veins generally woke us up no later than 6:00, we’d have to just sit and stare at the loot that had appeared in the night. And if you actually enjoy creating a prettily wrapped package like my wife and I do, the accumulation of colorful papers and ribbons is a joy to behold. Until you rip it all to shreds, that is.
• Fruitcake—I’m sick and tired of lame fruitcake jokes. The only people who joke about how awful fruitcake is are the people who have never had a fruitcake made by someone who knows how. Real fruitcake does not include those awful bits of bright red and green plastic that grocery stores try to sell you when they create the display of fruitcake ingredients. Real fruitcake requires real fruit: dried apricots, figs, dates, pears, golden raisins, cherries and citron. And good nutmeg, vanilla and cinammon. And hazelnuts. And maybe some orange zest and even a bit of orange blossom water. And of course, rum. Lots of rum. Real fruitcake is absolutely delicious—and nobody’s doorstop.
• Digital cameras—OK, maybe digital cameras aren’t exactly a Christmas thing, but they allow you to take as many Christmas pictures as you like without worrying about how much film you’re wasting. Digital cameras give you a chance to stumble into cool shots like the one here—the ghost hand in the glass ornament.

Well, I thought it was pretty cool.

• Stockings Stuffed to Bursting
• Donna’s Christmas Dinner
• Dogs and Cats Sleeping Peacefully Together in Front of a Crackling Fireplace
• Hearing my father-in-law go off on football’s “breaking the plane of the goal line” rule for the 6,437th time—“That’s not a touchdown! You used to have to carry the ball and your whole body into the end zone; now all you have to do is wave the ball at the pylon. That’s not a touchdown.” In a world of change and uncertainty, it's an oddly reassuring reminder that at least some things will go on forever.
• Antique Ornaments
• Making a Harried Store Clerk Smile or Laugh--maybe by cracking a joke, or by helping to bag my own stuff, or by simply not being a total asshole.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

"F" is for Frequent Firsts Like "For" and "From"

      Running across a new internet music meme at truffin.com (see my last post) has inspired me to return to the alphabetical stroll through my iPod. I've worked my way up to "F" now, and it turns out that of the 165 songs currently on my iPod that start with "F", dozens of them begin with some form of just a handful of the same words: for, from, fall, fly, and fire. Below are some of my favorites for each word.

"For" (begins 11 song titles)

• "For a Dancer" by Jackson Browne from "Solo Acoustic, Vol. 1"
  I can't claim to be a huge Jackson Browne fan; I generally like his songs when I stumble across them, but the only album of his that I actually own is the excellent and intimate "Solo Acoustic" live performance. There's not a dud on the whole thing, and even most of the between-song patter is entertaining. Here's "For a Dancer" as he was performing it in the 70's, which is not much different from the contemporary "Solo Acoustic" performance.
  
  


• "For Heaven's Sake" by 16 Horsepower from "Low Estate"
  The sound of 16 Horsepower is a little hard to describe--imagine if you saw a sign outside a club that said, "Hootenanny Tonight," and when you went inside you discovered that the band playing the hootenanny was Nirvana. The sound on this live version is pretty rough, but here you go:
  
  
  and the "For" also-rans...
• "For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her" by Simon & Garfunkel
• "For Everyman" by Jackson Browne
• "For My Lover" by Tracy Chapman
• "For Never More" by The Reverend Horton Heat
• "For The Loser (Hallelujah!)" by the Rave-Ups
• "For The Turnstiles" by Neil Young
• "For Tomorrow" by Blur
• "For You" by Tracy Chapman
• "For Your Babies" by Simply Red

"From" (begins 9 song titles)

• "From My Own True Love (Lost at Sea)" by The Decemberists from "Picaresque"
  Any band that would actually know the meaning of the word "Picaresque" is already one up in my book, and their quirky, prog-rock, English Major-friendly songs seal the deal for me. "From My Own True Love" is not necessarily the song I would pick to introduce them to a prospective listener (that would probably be "The Mariner's Revenge Song"), but it still gives a pretty good idea of what The Decemberists are all about. The only version I could find at YouTube is one some fan attached to one of Spielberg's most shameless moments (from "Saving Private Ryan"), but what are you gonna do?
  
  


• "From Blown Speakers" by The New Pornographers from "Electric Version"
  The New Pornographers are a fantastic power pop band cobbled together from members of various (mostly Canadian) bands, led by Carl Newman and sometimes featuring Neko Case on vocals or backing vocals. Even the most casual reader of this blog will probably have encountered my infatuation with the inimitable Ms. Case and therefore not be surprised with my interest in any musical project that includes her, even down to "Neko Case's Favorite Scottish Martial Music for Solo Accordion" (if you've got a copy, I'll give you $50 for it). But TNP are definitely their own thing, with or without Neko, and their mostly fast, loud, and impossibly hook-y pop tunes couldn't be much further removed from Neko's dark and brooding solo work. Her participation, therefore, is just another excuse for me to think she's great.

and the "From" also-rans...

• "From A Late Night Train" by The Blue Nile
• "From Her To Eternity" by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
• "From Here To Eternity" by Big Country
• "From Our T.V. Teens To The Tomb" by Maria McKee
• "From Rags To Riches" by The Blue Nile
• "From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea" by The Cure
• "From the Morning" by Nick Drake

"Fall" (begins 9 song titles)

• "Falling for the First Time" by Barenaked Ladies from "Maroon"
  Speaking of impossibly hook-y power pop bands, Barenaked Ladies rank with the best of them. They've quietly put together a decades-long career that, without the benefit of any real breakthrough hit songs, has nevertheless built them an enthusiastic critical following and a near-cultish fanbase. I have to admit to being a late-arriving passenger on the Barenaked bandwagon (early 00's maybe?), but what I lack in "I-knew them-when" cred is made up for by my zeal of the newly converted.
  
  

and the "Fall" also-rans...

• "Fall At Your Feet" by Crowded House
• "Fall Down" by Toad the Wet Sprocket
• "Fall Down (Like The Rain)" by The Mighty Lemon Drops
• "Fall On Me" by REM
• "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
• "Falling" by Glen Phillips
• "Falling In Love Again" by Linda Ronstadt w/ the Nelson Riddle Orchestra
• "Falling Through Your Clothes" by The New Pornographers

"Fire" (begins 7 song titles)

• "Fired" by Ben Folds from "Rocking the Suburbs"
  I really like Ben Folds a lot, mostly because it's just so nice to see a really talented musician break the guitar-bass-drums mold of pop and rock music and create a signature sound. This is a song about how sometimes there are just so many people around that you want to tell them, "get the hell off my planet, you're fired." In the clip below, an a capella group from Stanford enters their version of "Fired" into an a capella contest of Ben Folds songs. No, I don't know if they won, but they're pretty good.
  
  

and the "Fire" also-rans...

• "Fire" by Bruce Springsteen
• "Fire from Heaven" by Guadalcanal Diary
• "Fire In The Engine Room" by Richard Thompson
• "Fire In The Hole" by The BoDeans
• "Fire Island" by Fountains of Wayne
• "Firecracker" by Ryan Adams

"Fly" (begins 8 songs)

• "The Fly" by U2 from "Achtung Baby"
  The first incarnation of U2's mega-stardom, which peaked with the smash release of "The Joshua Tree" in 1987, had faded a bit by 1991, when I went to live in Japan for a couple of years. By the time I bought "Achtung Baby" as an import in Fukuoka that year, I had been listening to their earliest hits for nearly ten years, and their readily identifiable sound had grown a bit stale. When I got home and stuck it in the boombox, "Zoo Station" and the early tracks of "Achtung Baby" made it clear that they had found a new direction, but I wasn't fully convinced until track seven, when the Edge kicked in with that snarling, echoey lick that opens "The Fly." I wore that disc out during the next two years, and to this day, hearing any of the tracks on "Achtung Baby" will evoke the smell of tatami mats and the udon shop, and a thousand other associations of that great time in Japan. "The Fly" should always be played at MAXIMUM VOLUME, and since the only thing that sounds worse than streaming audio is streaming audio played at maximum volume, you should get the CD, punch track number seven, and TURN IT UP.
  
  

and the "Fly" also-rans...

• "Fly" by Nick Drake
• "Fly By Night" by Rush
• "Fly From Heaven" by Toad the Wet Sprocket
• "Fly On The Wall" by XTC
• "Flying" by Chris Isaak
• "Flying" by Joe Jackson
• "Flyswatter/Ice Water Blues" by Lyle Lovett

Fantasia on a Theme By Thomas Tallis: Yet Another Music Meme, Mad-Libs Version

Take your iPod in your hand:

1. Put your music on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the Next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Sleight of Hand (Pearl Jam)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
These Dreams of You (Van Morrison)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Independence Day (Bruce Springsteen)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Love Fall Down (Dreams So Real)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Doo Wop [That Thing] (Lauryn Hill) And I have always lived by it.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Insignificance (Pearl Jam) ouch!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Store Bought Bones (The Raconteurs)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Blue (The Jayhawks)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I Need You Tonight (Buddy Guy)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Government Cheese (The Rainmakers)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Rockafella Skank (Fatboy Slim)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Goin' Downtown (Joe Jackson)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Scuttle Buttin' (Stevie Ray Vaughan)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Pretty Girls (Neko Case) This could explain a lot. I suppose after four boys, Mom might have been in denial when she had a fifth and just decided to think of me as her "pretty girl" instead. :-)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Fruits of My Labor (Lucinda Williams)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Golden Rope (16 Horsepower)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
You'll Be Mine (Stevie Ray Vaughan)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Heart of Gold (Neil Young)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Misery (The BoDeans) ouch again, this time for my friends

WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Sleep Now in the Fire (Rage Against the Machine) that's my favorite so far

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Henry (Keb' Mo') I will now avoid all people named Henry

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Perfect One (Phil Roy)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Edible Flowers (The Finn Brothers)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The Other Side of the Coin (Solomon Burke) that one almost sounds profound

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Duvet [Lain Theme] (BOA)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Fleashine (Kelly Joe Phelps)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
An Emotional Time (Hothouse Flowers)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Rising (Bruce Springsteen)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Adelaide (Ben Folds)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis (Ralph Vaughan Williams)

News You Can (ab)Use: Auto Execs Flex Pecs in Boffo Beefcake Bailout Bid

      Having failed to move Congress with a plea for bailout funds for their ailing companies, Big Three auto executives Alan Mulally of Ford, Rick Wagoner of GM, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler have decided to take their appeal directly to the public by getting back to their industry's core business model--sex sells.
      Taking a cue from the sexy sexagenarians of "Calendar Girls," the hunky head honchos have gotten together to produce a flirty fundraising calendar of their own: "Sizzling CEO's--The Divine Dudes of Detroit." All proceeds from the calendar sales will go towards staving off the ignominy of running giant, successful companies into the ground--at least to the end of the fiscal year.
      "I was so nervous before the shoot," said Mulally (Mr. October), seen below posing-down one of his Shelby muscle cars with his own impressive unibody frame. "But the photographer was so sweet and gentle with me that by the time they oiled me up I just thought, 'What the heck, I'm going for it!'"
      According to one calendar entry, the turn-ons of Chrysler cutie Robert Nardelli (Mr. July, below) include "walks on the beach; strong, independent women; and slashing redundant workforce units." Nardelli, too, was nervous about baring all for the bottom line. "For the two weeks before, I lived on nothing but Danish crackers and imported Peruvian spring water, trying to get my weight down," said Nardelli. "Oh, and Beluga caviar, just a little--for the protein."
      As of press time, GM he-man Wagoner (seen here as Mr. May) was in hospital being treated for "an exploded bicep muscle," and was unavailable for comment. But a spokesperson for the beefy boss promised that his spread for August was so hot, we "wouldn't be able to run it in a family paper. All I can say is, it suggests more than one full-size Hummer. If you know what I mean."
      So far sales of the calendar have been disappointing, which industry experts have attributed to its $29,900 MSRP and a spate of recalls, including one batch of calendars which left the printer with staples that would unexpectedly burst into flames. Nardelli shrugged off the calendar's slow start, saying, "We're looking into the price point and considering offering an economy calendar with just eight or nine months in it. We've also got a fantastic 0% financing offer for qualified buyers, and our engineers have figured out a work-around for the staple problem, which only affected a small percentage of customers in the first place. And none of those deaths have been conclusively linked to the calendar. Anyway, what are people gonna do, buy the Japanese auto executives' calendar? Please. Those guys are tiny."

"I Meant My Rights, Not Yours," or The Relativity of Civility: Curmudgeon's Corner (9)

      Smokey Burner, the Broken Stove's resident curmudgeon, is not a political animal. Smokey is registered Independent, votes on a regular basis, and has strong opinions that he is not reluctant to share, but Smokey has never actively campaigned for a political candidate and has no particular axe to grind. Smokey is glad that the ACLU exists, but is sometimes dismayed by the cases they take on. Smokey believes in the ethical treatment of animals, but wishes PETA were not on his side. Smokey voted for Obama, but won't believe Change is afoot until he Sees Some. You get the idea.
      Having said that, Smokey hopes not to be dismissed as a radical leftist when he reports that he's disappointed that California passed its Proposition 8 to ban gay marriages in that state. Smokey cannot see any way in which his own happy marriage is threatened or diminished by loving same-sex couples seeking the same comfort, stability, and benefits which a committed, monogamous, state-sanctioned relationship offers him. Homosexual couples view this as a civil rights issue, and Smokey agrees. Civil rights, however, are a two-way street. And some gay rights advocates are hogging the road.
      Smokey is referring to a recent AP wire story about the resignation of a Sacramento theater director under pressure from the gay community. Here's an excerpt:

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — The artistic director at California's largest nonprofit musical theater company resigned Wednesday amid protests over his donation to a campaign to ban gay marriage in the state.

Scott Eckern stepped down from his job at the California Musical Theater in Sacramento after some gay activists called for a theater boycott....

Eckern said he "chose to act upon my belief that the traditional definition of marriage should be preserved" but had no idea his contribution would generate such controversy....

The boycott calls — led by artists including "Hairspray" composer Marc Shaiman — began after activists learned Eckern contributed $1,000 to the Yes on 8 campaign. Last week, voters approved Proposition 8, which changes the constitution to ban same-sex marriage.

      Not cool. Even if Smokey were willing to concede that a non-profit organization maybe has a little more leeway than a for-profit company or the government in expecting its members to conform to a group ideology (which is a big "if," by the way), think about this. What if it had been reported that a director for a conservative group--like, say, the Boy Scouts of America--had donated $1,000 to the Vote No on Prop 8 campaign, and members of the Boy Scouts had subsequently threatened to withdraw their support unless the offending director resigned? The very same folks behind the threatened Sacramento theater boycott, those responsible for the resignation of a man who was exercising his right to hold a belief which they found offensive (a man who worked closely with gay artists his entire professional life even though his church told him they were sinners), would scream bloody murder and have the Boy Scouts in court for it before you could shout TIMMAYYY! (Smokey apologizes for the possibly-obscure South Park reference).
      Guys. Lots of people just like Smokey want to be on your side. But you can't have your gay rights cake and eat it, too. Tolerant is as tolerant does.