News You Can (ab)Use: Auto Execs Flex Pecs in Boffo Beefcake Bailout Bid

      Having failed to move Congress with a plea for bailout funds for their ailing companies, Big Three auto executives Alan Mulally of Ford, Rick Wagoner of GM, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler have decided to take their appeal directly to the public by getting back to their industry's core business model--sex sells.
      Taking a cue from the sexy sexagenarians of "Calendar Girls," the hunky head honchos have gotten together to produce a flirty fundraising calendar of their own: "Sizzling CEO's--The Divine Dudes of Detroit." All proceeds from the calendar sales will go towards staving off the ignominy of running giant, successful companies into the ground--at least to the end of the fiscal year.
      "I was so nervous before the shoot," said Mulally (Mr. October), seen below posing-down one of his Shelby muscle cars with his own impressive unibody frame. "But the photographer was so sweet and gentle with me that by the time they oiled me up I just thought, 'What the heck, I'm going for it!'"
      According to one calendar entry, the turn-ons of Chrysler cutie Robert Nardelli (Mr. July, below) include "walks on the beach; strong, independent women; and slashing redundant workforce units." Nardelli, too, was nervous about baring all for the bottom line. "For the two weeks before, I lived on nothing but Danish crackers and imported Peruvian spring water, trying to get my weight down," said Nardelli. "Oh, and Beluga caviar, just a little--for the protein."
      As of press time, GM he-man Wagoner (seen here as Mr. May) was in hospital being treated for "an exploded bicep muscle," and was unavailable for comment. But a spokesperson for the beefy boss promised that his spread for August was so hot, we "wouldn't be able to run it in a family paper. All I can say is, it suggests more than one full-size Hummer. If you know what I mean."
      So far sales of the calendar have been disappointing, which industry experts have attributed to its $29,900 MSRP and a spate of recalls, including one batch of calendars which left the printer with staples that would unexpectedly burst into flames. Nardelli shrugged off the calendar's slow start, saying, "We're looking into the price point and considering offering an economy calendar with just eight or nine months in it. We've also got a fantastic 0% financing offer for qualified buyers, and our engineers have figured out a work-around for the staple problem, which only affected a small percentage of customers in the first place. And none of those deaths have been conclusively linked to the calendar. Anyway, what are people gonna do, buy the Japanese auto executives' calendar? Please. Those guys are tiny."