Uriah Q. Muttonchop on Advancements & Breakthroughs in the Great Scientific Endeavor

      Dear Reader, those of you who rely upon this fine publication for news of Great Strides in the Scientific Endeavor have become accustomed in this space to find the byline of Dr. Phineas Fobswallow, Naturalist & Philosopher of Science. Due however to fiduciary constraints recently imposed upon The Picayune-Tattler, as well as certain unfortunate rumors concerning Dr. Fobswallow being bandied about by the so-called Fancy Gentlemen of this town's less reputable haunts, I will be adding the Technology Beat to my already groaning burden of journalistic duties for the foreseeable future.
      But what a month during which to be thrust into the hurly-burly of the scientific world! First, the Wonder Baked Goods Corporation astounded and delighted us all with the introduction of their ingenious Previously Sliced Bread Loaves, forever freeing the nation's womenfolk from the arduous and so often bloody task of slicing their family's Daily Bread. I predict that this development will be the benchmark against which all future great inventions are measured. Let me here add my personal and heartfelt "Huzzah!" to the laurels already heaped upon the brow of that truly Wonder-ful company.
      No sooner had the hubbub attending that remarkable breakthrough begun to wane when the boffins at the Apple Company announced, with their trademark blend of Hoopla and Foofaraw™, the introduction of their amazing new machine--The Fountain Pen, which for reasons still murky to this reporter, they have dubbed the iPen. Whatever its name, this ingenious device has forever eliminated the drudgery of repeatedly dipping one's quill in the inkpot by storing a continuous supply of ink in a reservoir intrinsic to the pen itself!
      How can I relate to you with mere words, dear Reader, the Technological Ecstacies to which I am transported by this device? Not only is the iPen a marvel of Utility and Engineering, but, as we have now come to expect from the folks at Apple, the iPen's form is so beauteous, so sensuous, so rife with Barely Suppressed Sensuality that even now as I use my new iPen to write these very words, I fair blush to think on it.
      It seems almost base to quibble about the pen's few shortcomings, but quibble I must, for the People's Edification is my Sacred Trust. I have already heard a rumor through Reliable Sources in the town, that Apple plans soon to introduce a new and improved version of the iPen with an even larger storage reservoir of ink, the iPen Two Ought. Thereby Apple rewards my loyalty by callously presenting me with Mr. Hobson's Choice: either I must lay out more of my precious spondoolicks to upgrade a pen from which the heady sheen of newness has barely faded, or I must suffer the indignity of having Davey the Copy Boy incessantly waggling his iPen Two Ought in a provocative and taunting manner every time he can contrive to catch my gaze.
      A second and even more vexing drawback is that the purchase of a new iPen further binds one into an exclusive contract with the American Telephone and Telegraph Company for the replenishment of one's ink supply. Even were it not obvious that such a monopoly will inevitably lead to an artificial inflation in the price of ink, I would still be trepidatious, for it has been this reporter's experience that that particular company would be hard pressed successfully to deliver a telegram free from errors of transcription, even so far as to its own corporate backside. And now that they have moved their Center for the Redress of Customer Grievances to their slaveholdings in the South Pacific, the simplest enquiry or complaint requires at least an eighteen-month overseas correspondence, usually in Pidgin. I do not relish the notion of trying to track down a missing shipment of ink with them: "Inky no come here, long time. Where inky now time, you tell?"
      But all these quibbles fade in the soft sensual glow that emanates from my beautiful new iPen. Once again Apple has pipped their competition at the post and come first to the market with a wondrous and elegant new product for the Betterment of Mankind. And a Little Birdy of Scientific Endeavour has already told this correspondent that Apple's next project is a new and improved sort of gramophone disc that will allow so much music to be recorded on a single platter, all of Herr Beethoven's Ninth Symphony could be transcribed on but five two-sided records. What a Brave New World that has such advancements in't!