Yankees Sign Designated Apologizer to 5-Year Deal Worth $35 Million

      Addressing what was long perceived to be a hole in their lineup, the Yankees today signed designated apologizer Miguel Culpa to a 5-year, $35 million contract. Culpa, a left-handed power apologizer from Venezuela, comes off a year in the minors during which his apologies to the fans and the press had an acceptance rate of .870, the best in the league.
      Culpa is aware, however, that apologizing in the major leagues--especially to the notoriously unforgiving fans and press of New York--will be a lot different from his work in the minors. "I'm really going to have to step up my sincerity to a whole new level," said Culpa. "In the minors, mostly you apologize for guys yelling at the ump or showing up drunk for the game. But in the bigs, man, these guys really know how to piss fans off. And the Yankees, wow! But I'm ready for this challenge, and let me say right now that if I ever let the fans or my teammates down, I'm very, very sorry."
      Although Culpa's contract guarantees him $7 million a year, he's likely to make a good deal more than that with bonuses. Successfully apologizing for a player's extramarital affair reportedly will earn Culpa an extra $50K, smoothing over reports of domestic abuse is worth $100K, and if the Yankees fail to make the playoffs and Culpa is forced to apologize for the entire team, he's scheduled to make another $500K. Apologies for each loss to the Red Sox earn him $10K, but Coach Girardi has already assured Culpa that he doesn't expect him ever to have those accepted. "The guy's an ace," explained Girardi, "but he's not a miracle-worker."
      Player reaction to Culpa's signing was overwhelmingly positive, with the most effusive praise coming from 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, who has yet to pull off his own successful apology as a Yankee. "I only wish Miguel had been on board earlier for all that Madonna business," said Rodriguez, "and now all of this steroid stuff has hit the fan. I've never been able to figure out what the hell Yankees fans expect me to do or say. It's going to be great knowing that Miguel's got my back, so I can feel free just to go out there and fuck up."

Other Baseball Notes:
Citi Field Ball Park Set for Opening Day: New York Mets look forward to first pitch, first homer, first late-season collapse in beautiful new stadium.
Pitchers and Catchers Report to Spring Training: Spring training officially opens on Friday when pitchers and catchers report; on Tuesday the Pittsburgh Pirates are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.