Curmudgeon's Corner (4): Straining the Limits of Beer Credibility

      Smokey Burner, the Broken Stove's resident curmudgeon, loves beer. Smokey sometimes brews his own, and always enjoys the opportunity to taste something new in the world of fermented grains. Smokey has standards, but has never been a beer snob, and is generally willing to evaluate unfamiliar beers on their merits, withholding judgment till he's pounded a few.
      But. There. Are. LIMITS.
      Today Smokey was happily wandering the beer aisle at his local distributor of comestibles and potables when his eyes were drawn, infelicitously it turns out, to a new label. The fine folks at Michelob have now produced for our delectation not one, but three new versions of their nearly transparent and virtually flavorless Ultra variety. From now until Labor Day, Michelob will be favoring us with Michelob Ultra "Tuscan Orange Grapefuit," Michelob Ultra "Lime Cactus," and Michelob Ultra "Pomegranate Raspberry." Smokey is not opposed to fruit in beer, per se (is cactus a fruit?). Smokey loves a Tecate with lime, any Hefeweizen with orange, and a handful of highly poofy but tasty Belgian lambics. But Michelob is abusing Smokey's fruity beer goodwill.
      Smokey has tried plain old Michelob Ultra. Once, at Smokey's brother's house, when the real beer ran out, Smokey, in desperation, tried one of the beers being drunk by his brother's calorie-conscious wife--Michelob Ultra. You know what? Smokey doesn't want to revisit that. Just pretend Smokey never brought that up.
      Here's the deal. First, if one more thing in this country that has no resemblance to anything Italian is marketed as being "Tuscan," Smokey believes that residents of that particular region of Italy would be justified in changing whatever the Italian word for "fattening and tasteless" is to "Americano." Second, Smokey doesn't even need to try any one of these three beers to know that they almost certainly taste like flavored seltzer water that has been colored yellow. Third, if Smokey finds out that any of his friends, family or casual acquaintances have given their hard-earned cash in exchange for one of these fruity urine samples, Smokey will be very cross indeed.
You've been warned.