Hurling My Satire Into the Void

      I sometimes daydream of being a writer for "The Onion" or "The Daily Show." The daydream does not of course include the excruciating pressure of trying to be funny on a daily deadline, but that's what dreams are for. Anyway, for what it's worth, here's an Onion-ish piece I wrote today, very likely the kazillionth such piece in the blogosphere.

"Tortured Metaphor Recruited by Islamic Extremists"
      At a press conference on Wednesday, Amnesty International Secretary General Irene Khan announced her organization had reliable information that a metaphor which had allegedly been tortured by the Bush administration at an undisclosed “location of rendition” has been approached and successfully recruited by agents of al-Qaeda since its release.
      “Thanks to this administration’s failed policy of 'extraordinary rendition,’” said Khan, “a once-loyal Iraqi-American metaphor now seethes with hatred against its former home, its dreams shattered like a vase of Hope dropped on the hardwood floor of Democracy.”
      Khan identified the tortured metaphor as, “We ought to make the pie higher,” a metaphor born in South Carolina during the Republican primary there in February of 2000. According to Amnesty International sources, the metaphor was approached by agents of al-Qaeda immediately after its release, and in its weakened and disillusioned state, was easily won to their cause. The metaphor has since converted to Islam, changing its name to “The Sword of Allah to be Wielded by the Arm of the Holy for the Joyous Beheading of the Great Satan Bush.”
      White House Press Secretary Dana Perino was quick to refute the charges. “The administration has said before and says again, America does not torture metaphors. But we are at war with a ruthless foe. If in order to save American lives it becomes necessary to tie the evildoers upside down to the Board of Justice while the Waters of Truth are poured over them until they feel like they’re drowning in the Agony of... of... in agony, then that’s what we’ll do. And look who’s leveling these charges—I mean ‘Khan,’ come on. Hellooo? Raghead!” Ms. Perino then smiled fetchingly, causing the mostly male press corps to blush and quickly look down at their notes.
      “The Sword of Allah to be Wielded by the Arm of the Holy for the Joyous Beheading of the Great Satan Bush” could not be contacted for comment, as its whereabouts are unknown.

Follow-up note: Immediately after her press conference Ms. Khan was faced with a vote of no-confidence by the Amnesty International Board of Directors, who accused her of metaphor-torture during her presentation to reporters. Ms. Khan has responded by saying that her use of the word “like” meant that her statement was in fact a simile, and therefore not subject to international guidelines on metaphor abuse. Amnesty International has referred the matter to a high school English teacher for review.